Bad moon rising

I took myself on a date to see New Moon yesterday. While I don’t have any particular problem with seeing movies alone, this time it was in part because I couldn’t convince anyone to come see it with me, and in part because the experience of watching any of the Twilight films is very different when you’re surrounded by people who are vocally swooning over Robert Pattinson (as has happened every time I’ve seen Twilight, drunk or sober). A few assorted thoughts:

New Moon was marked by three principal characteristics: bad writing, bad acting, and a slightly less attractive than usual Robert Pattinson. Of these, only two (the acting and R-Pat) are actually the movie’s fault. New Moon (the novel) is a lot like the middle chunk of the seventh Harry Potter in the sense that abso-fucking-lutely nothing happens. It’s like,

Chapter 1: Bella has a birthday.
Chapter 2: Edward leaves Bella.
Chapters 3-25: Bella is depressed.
…concurrently: Jacob is in love with Bella, also a werewolf.
…concurrently: Bella is an insufferable, awful, manipulative human being.
Chapter 26: Edward undresses in public.
Chapter 27: Bella fears marriage.

Stephanie Meyer even goes so far as to leave three chapters of the book totally blank. That’s how little is going on. So you might think that spinning the camera around a morose-looking Bella in a seriously unattractive sweater is bad filmmaking — but really, it’s making the best of some incredibly awful source material.

This isn’t to say that the other two problems are insignificant. First of all, I’ve always been of the opinion that stupid dopey-eyed buck-toothed never-met-a-straightening-iron-she-didn’t-like Kristen fucking Stewart is the worst actress of all time. And New Moon was absolutely no exception. The only scene in which she was even remotely tolerable — and possibly the only scene of any particular value in the whole film — was in the movie theatre with Jacob and Mike. Yes, the armrest tango is a cliche, but it’s also hideously amusing whenever it’s happening to someone who isn’t you. It’s fitting that the only time I liked her was in a scene when, by definition, she couldn’t be talking.

And then there’s R-Pat. Let me state, for the record, that even though I’m firmly on Team Edward (not that it matters, o dimwitted fangirls c/o Entertainment Weekly, because the novels have already been written, and, SPOILER ALERT!!!!, she chooses Edward), he wasn’t looking his best in New Moon. While my personal preferences lie somewhere more in the direction of pale and skinny, rather than Taylor Lautner adonis, I have to agree with the general consensus that pegs Robert Pattinson as looking particularly (and occasionally unpleasantly) emaciated in this movie. Also, the weird patchy chest hair and visible pubes? Kind of gross.

All this considered, Robert Pattinson is still probably the most attractive (and least hygienic) man in Hollywood. But New Moon did him a disservice. Especially after looking at pictures of him during his Cedric Diggory days last night (you forget how unbelievably hot he was in that role, after so many months of Edward-mania), I’ve reached the conclusion that the way he was made to look in this particular movie was sub-par. Again, it makes slightly more sense in the context of the book, where his depression re: leaving Bella is explained with something that could be called clarity if it weren’t Stephanie Meyer’s godawful writing, but in the movie, it just comes off as strange. The ultimate brooding sex symbol has somehow become too brooding.

But in the end, with a movie like New Moon, you know what you’re in for when you buy the ticket. Ogling Robert Pattinson aside, the entire Twilight series is the literary/cinematic equivalent of junk food: you scarf it down, enjoying it all the while, and then walk away feeling a little bit sick to your stomach. New Moon was no exception. And considering how horribly self-indulgent Stephanie Meyer was in the book versions of Eclipse and Breaking Dawn — this Amazon review is particularly eloquent re: the latter — I can only imagine that it’s going to go downhill from here.

Although I can’t fucking wait to see how they handle the sex scene and its aftermath in Eclipse. Seeing Kristen Stewart covered in bruises will be worth the price of admission for me.